Attention staff: The portal to hell in our office kitchen is merely a distraction from the real issues

Thanks everyone for coming to this last minute all-staff meeting, I really appreciate it. 

Before we get into it I have to just announce that yes: we are all aware of the portal to hell that has opened in our office kitchen, flooding the bottom floor with an incredible heat and the tortured screams of lost souls.

What you may not know, however, is that the portal to hell (which has already consumed so many of our dear coworkers) is merely a distraction from the larger issues that threaten this office. Do NOT allow yourself to be distracted by it.

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